Food Rules (according to the Mad Spaghetti Noodle Lady)

I have lots of rules when it comes to food. I like many different things, and am willing to try most things, but there are certain rules that must be followed. Here is a sampling:

1. No food is to be eaten before or while drinking coffee. Once food happens coffee is over - there is no going back. Food is NEVER to be combined with coffee. I don't like for anything to interfere with my coffee experience. Coffee is never to be drunk with dessert - this would interfere with both the coffee experience AND the dessert experience. I know this goes against conventional wisdom, but I just cannot help it.

2. Eggs are to never have runny yolks. Eggs are to never even have yolks that might SUGGEST some form of runniness. Ever. Ew.

3. Breakfast food may be eaten any time of the day. However, dinner foods (such as pizza and fried chicken) may not EVER be eaten for breakfast.

4. Foods that are supposed to be eaten hot may never be eaten cold (ie no cold pizza... no cold fried chicken - see #3). This also applies to coffee.

5. Water goes down best for me when drunk at room temperature. No brain freezes allowed.

6. Candy bars MUST be intact before eating. You just never know who might have been fondling your candy bar at the store. It's perfectly OK to break it up yourself though.

7. Food should not touch. If by some tragedy food DOES touch, it may be allowed as long as neither food is runny. Some dipping sauces fall into the touching rule, others do not. Steak sauce does, ranch dressing does not.

8. Exception to the not touching rule: certain foods may be DIPPED in other foods. For example: roast beef is perfectly acceptable when dipped in one's mashed potatoes. However, it would be unacceptable to fully mix the two. Ew.

9. Everything is better with bacon. Additionally, there is no such thing as too much bacon. Ever.

10. Grits are to be eaten with salt and butter only. No exceptions.

11. Steak sauce is banned. See # 7. So is barbecue sauce, except on ribs.

12. PB&J is an exception to the touching rule. However, the PB and the J should be applied to separate pieces of bread and then put together - NEVER mixed beforehand. Same with PB & Banana.

I'd be interested to see if anyone else has food rules. :) I know I'm not the ONLY freak.

25 Things I've Learned My First Year in Open

25 Things I've learned my first year trialing a sheepdog in Open (in no particular order):

1. You lose some... and you lose some.
2. One must pay their dues. Many times. It is fair.
3. It's a long way to go to just trial one dog in Open. Where? Anywhere. Anywhere is a long way to go to run just one dog.
4. Campers are good.
5. I wish I could afford one. But I gotz no money.
6. Tents suck.
7. Tents are better than nothing. They suck less than having nothing to sleep in.
8. Whistles are good. It helps to keep the whistle in your mouth.
9. Handler's dinners ROCK. It's a nice departure from PB&J. See #5
10. If I shuddup I can learn from the real handlers there.
11. Rain, in a tent, sucks. See #4
12. Your first open dog will pull lots of stunts designed for ultimate humiliation.
a. Crossing over at your feet
b. Not finding the sheep
c. Getting stuck on the exhaust
d. Blowing you off all the way down the fetch
e. Refusing flanks... and then missing the panels cuz the handler insisted *cough*
f. Looking goofy (Ok, so the long-legged Noodle cannot help this!)
13. Once you get past the point of major explosive trainwrecks but haven't yet achieved true greatness (for the most part) people don't really pay that much attention to your runs. Whew.
14. The first time you actually place in Open is worthy of a tear or two. So is the first major humiliation.
15. The first real shed at a trial, on the fly, with no points off is a very exciting moment.
16. Don't leave the post until you're called off, but temper that with an eye towards good sportsmanship and leave when you should. Learn the difference.
17. Give yourself a tiny break when you're new.
18. Tiny little personal sized porta-potties to go in tents make the tent experience suck a little less. But see #6.
19. Porta potties that spring a leak in your tent suck.
20. People put a lot of hard work, heart, and soul into putting on a trial. Be Grateful.
21. Watch your sheep.
22. Set your dog up right - and make sure the dog actually SEES the sheep before you send it.
23. Laugh a lot.
24. Trialing with friends is fun. Having no friends to hang with sucks. Get more friends. Be nice.
25. I love my dogs - and what a testament it is that we can do this together.

Just One Recent (mis)Adventure of Mad Spaghetti

Back several weeks ago I was headed out to a trial (Highland Occasional SDT, I think, at Donald McCaig's). I had packed almost everything up in the van when I remembered I needed to put something else in there. I went up to the sliding door, and pulled the handle. Nothing happened. I mean, nothing. I locked and unlocked the doors, and pulled again. Nothing happened. I pulled. Nothing. I pulled again. NOTHING.

Hm. Maybe I should pull harder, I thought to myself.

I pulled harder. Nothing. I reared back and YANKED.

Suddenly I found myself arse over teakettle rolling backwards through the front yard, door handle in my hand. I jumped up (that's what adrenaline will do for you - normally I have to grumble and groan and use something to pull myself up) and brushed off my behind. I looked around to ascertain that nobody was around to see this. Whew.

I walked up to the van to see that I had pulled the entire door handle off of the van - and it had even warped the metal where it came out.

So what did I do? I called my Mom. "Mom, you're not going to believe this. I just pulled the door handle off of the Van!" Somehow she believed it. "How did you manage that?", she asked.

Uh, I'm an idiot? I said, "I have no idea. I really didn't even pull it that hard."

Yeah, right.

Conversations with a NoodleHead

This past weekend at the Rural Hill SDT:

Me: You are going to go around those horses.
Noodle: No, I am not.
Me: Yes, you are!
Noodle: NO, I am NOT.
Me: OH YES YOU ARE!
Noodle: NO, I AM NOT!!!!!!!

This is followed by a duck inside of the horse to jigger the sheep off sideways, followed by covering… followed by:

Me: LIE DOWN!!! LIE DOWN!!! LIE DOWN!!! (side note: all lie downs are given in Linc-worthy voice of doom)
Noodle aka PunkBoy: *doggie finger*
Me: LIE DOWN YOU LISTEN LIE DOWN LIE DOWN
PunkBoy: la la la la la la la can’t hear you la la la la la
Me: LIE DOWN DO YOU HEAR ME YOU BETTER LIE DOWN
Me: *raises stick* (side note: this is guaranteed to make him actually run away)
PunkBoy: *raises doggie finger* la la la la can't hear you cuz I'm bringing the sheep la la la la

The sheep eventually get to my feet, and he eventually takes his fingers out of his ears.

Me: You better listen to me when I’m talking to you. Do you hear me?

Punkboy: Oh, Hi! I didn’t realize that you were here! Did you see how far I went and how far I had to bring them? And didn’t they arrive in spectacular fashion?

Follow Up Conversation

So "I cannot copy for myself' called me again to say, "Do I mail things myself, or do you do it for me?" I responded, "Typically people here mail things for themselves, so yes, you would do it". The conversation progressed a little like this:

Old Guy: I have an envelope and these signed letters, so now what do I do? I know, I'll fold them up and put them in the envelope

Me: Have you addressed the envelope?

Old Guy: No.

Me: Ok. So you need to start by addressing the envelope. If you don't address it then it won't get very far.

Old Guy: Ok. Then what?

Me: You then put the letters in it, seal it up, and take it to the guys who put the postage on it. They'll then put the postage on it, and it'll go out.

At this point I could literally FEEL him wanting me to do it for him. Had he asked I would have, but I'm just not going to play this sort of passive aggressive game.

So, Old Guy, mail your own letter. This is just not that difficult.

You want me to do WHAT?

I sit approximately seven feet from the copier. One of the managers came over a few minutes ago, stood BETWEEN me and the copier, and said, "Can you please make a copy of this for me?".

Seriously?

I got up, and responded, "Would you like to stand here and wait while I do this?" He nodded. I then said, "Would you like to come stand NEXT to the copier while I copy for you?" to which he replied, "I guess I could copy it myself but I'd probably mess it up". Yeah buddy, you probably would. You're ancient, a bumbler, and a bigot. What does the bigotry have to do with the ancientness? Nothing, it's just an observation. I gave him "the Eyebrow". I'll admit that the Eyebrow was relatively ineffective since I'm wearing my glasses at the moment. But I gave it to him anyway. I don't think he noticed.

Two weeks ago my shining moment in my new job was that my boss LET me go buy a gift for him to give at a baby shower. Keep in mind, however, that I was required to go to the baby shower in his stead. Did I mention how much I hate baby showers? Hate. Major hate. Baby showers rank right up there with bridal showers, weddings, funerals, and company parties. Oh yeah, I'm really moving up the corporate ladder. Watch out bottom feeders, soon I'll be taking over your position.

Two weeks ago my boss also LET me go get his car washed for him. Again. This was also a shining moment. This is what my work-life has become. Yay me.

For a while I coped with donuts. That upset my stomach. Then for a while I coped with copious amounts of wine. THAT upset my stomach. This week I'm resorting to shopping. This is also upsetting my stomach, but more like a vague acid thing as opposed to complete faucet-ass. Next week I plan to employ a new coping mechanism but I haven't picked it out yet. Maybe I'll go with something slightly less self destructive like enjoying my own witty banter and self-indulgence by blogging. It might upset my readers' stomachs, but maybe I'll feel a little better.