Sunday, June 12, 2011

By Request - the Vulcan Toe Grip Story

I've had a request to pull out the Vulcan Toe Grip story - so here you go!

Several years ago my Grandfather and step-Grandmother were up for a visit. We were all eating dinner in the living room on TV trays at my Mother's house. Grandma Vickie asked if she could feed Ginger from her plate. I politely told her how much I appreciated her kindness, but that Ginger wasn't allowed to have people-food (oh how things change). She insisted, and I re-iterated that NO, Ginger could not have her food, exclaiming "You eat it Grandma Vickie!!". She bobbed her head, and I thought the matter was settled.

I turned around to talk to my brother, and when I looked back Grandma Vickie had put her almost FULL plate ON THE FLOOR underneath her TV tray and was holding it with her gnarled up crusty old toes!! Ginger was face first in this plate of delicacies, certain that she had died and gone to heaven. She was making some serious headway through this pile of ham, mashed potatoes, and lima beans. So, it was Laura to the rescue! I got down on the floor and proceeded to pull the snorting dog out of the plate, and then I got the bright idea that I would try to take the plate and put it back on Grandma Vickie's tray. Hah.

So, there I was, on the floor, under her TV Tray, face to face with the bottom half of her old surly gnarly self in a mu-mu. She had that plate in a Vulcan Toe Grip, and no way was she letting it go.

I'm telling you, this woman must have done toe dumbbell lifts. I never thought I'd find myself playing tug-of-war with an 82 year old woman, but nevertheless there I was on my hands and knees on the floor trying to remove this plate from her World Heavyweight Champion toes. To top it off, Ginger had performed an end run around the quarterback and was again snarfing just as fast as her little mouth could go. Lima beans were rolling across the floor, and Grandma Vickie was screeching at me and trying to thwack me on the head for taking her plate. Screeching, snarfing, and thwacking. The harder I tried to pull the plate away the stronger her Vulcan Toe Grip became. What a scene.

I eventually managed to peel her toes off of the plate, one by one. It was a hollow victory, really. Noisy too. For Ginger it wasn't hollow though. She'd pretty much wiped Grandma Vickie's plate clean for the most part.

You all don't think I would come from a family full of normal people, do you? Of course not.

Needless to say, we had some baked ham/lima beans/ mashed potatoes blow-outs that night. In her defense, though, Grandma Vickie was pretty far along in her Alzheimers at that point. Strangely, after having to deliver the "People's Elbow" and a "Rock Bottom" to a little old lady's toes, suddenly some of the other issues in my life seemed to just fade away a little.


Jean said...

OMG Laura, you just made my morning with that story!!!

There's something about determined women in their eighties.... Several years ago, my mother (then in her 80s) came to dinner at my place with a similarly-aged friend who was visiting from the other side of the country. As we ate dinner, we noticed Mom's friend slipping food to the dogs. My husband explained that we don't feed the dogs from the table, but Shirley kept doing it. When my husband again told her our 'house rule', she retorted "What the f*ck do I care? I live 3000 miles away and I'm 86 years old - I'm never going to be visiting you again!"

Gotta love those feisty old women!

Laura Carson said...

Jean, that's hysterical! Go Shirley!

An English Shepherd said...

snorting dog, like the sound of that!

Very funny story :-)

Laura Carson said...

Thank you! I remember it just like it was yesterday. I'm pretty sure Ginger still dreams of it. :)