I've come to the conclusion that I'm just no good on my own. Maintaining my weight by just doing whatever suits me is not working - not even close. I'm in danger of going past the point of no return, and I'm just not having it!
I'm just a little bit like a life sentence serving inmate who has just been released from prison. I like my routine and my rules, and if I stray far from that I'm just no good on my own. I cannot control myself. And those fat cells? They have an amazing capacity to remember things, and are more than happy to just fill themselves up. Evil.
So, it's back to tracking, and back to loss mode for the Big Mama. I'll admit, though, that I'm embarrassed enough to not be able to bring myself to attend a meeting yet. I'd probably be admonishing someone else in the same situation to drag themselves in, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. I think I am learning a very valuable lesson here - a lesson not only about remembering what works for me (rigidity, and sticking to the plan and the rules) but also a lesson about grace and understanding for myself and others.
I swear I spend entirely too much time doing what I've deemed "The Eternal Search", aka figuring out what foods in my diet don't agree with me. I was just telling Mary the other day that since I started WW I've been trying to figure out what it was that wasn't agreeing with me. Every. Day. I'd cut out this, cut out that, and yet still I was having... issues. Plant wilting issues. The dogs were even running for cover every night. They'd be standing at the back door begging to be let out. I probably owe them big time.
Well, duh. I'm lactose intolerant, and I was eating string cheese every day. Again, I say, "Duh". Why didn't it occur to me to cut out the string cheese? They don't let me out much apparently. So no string cheese lately and my life (and my dogs' lives) has been SO much better. Maybe one of these days I'll learn. I'm just glad it wasn't the bananas or peanut butter!
So I'm trying a new thing this week - I'm replacing my early morning protein (string cheese) with a hard boiled egg. I am anxious to see how it goes. What I learned early on is that I fall apart later in the day if I don't have some protein early in the morning, and hopefully this will do the trick.
I hope eggs don't end up on my "not to be eaten" list. The Kashi TLC bars just did, as of yesterday. Dang.
Besides, I don't have any bigger jeans. I intentionally on the way down tossed everything above a size 12 jeans. I don't have anything bigger, and I cannot afford to buy new ones.
So this is me over here sucking it up (literally, and figuratively) and getting back on track and under control. I have squashed the cookie pusher. Bacon Cheese Fries will now be enjoyed on a limited basis... monthly or every other month as opposed to every week. I'm going to stop there as I do like to save some face every now and then.
Editing to add: Guess what I brought to go on my english muffins this morning? FF Cream Cheese. Double Duh. Some people are just slower than others. I'm having PB instead.
One last thing:
It is 3:13 EST, and I could mug a pizza delivery dude right now. I'm going to go have a snack bag of 94% FF microwave popcorn, but so help me if I see a pizza delivery dude between here and the kitchen he is toast. (I say he 'cuz my delivery guy at the house is a "he")