Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Bah Humbug

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I actually said some of the things I think. I mean, truly, I often do. But sometimes for the sake of good old southern tact I hold back. It's the right thing to do. So here's what I really think about the holidays this year. If you're full of Christmas cheer you should probably stop reading now.

For starters, this ornament swap thing I have to go to every year? It's my idea of HELL. I respect that my step-mother is making a tradition (and I go because it's important to her). I go because I know it matters to her, but as a matter of personal things I would choose to go to this *type* of activity is not one I'd ever choose. So, on principle I have to gripe about this.

I don't do social gatherings really unless dogs and sheep (or seriously good food) is involved. None of the above is really involved in this thing. It's a bunch of people (mostly family) at my Dad's house and these types of gatherings I find very stressful.

Everyone brings an ornament. Numbers are drawn and then the sneaky Santa game is played with Christmas tree ornaments (I call this part multiple layers of hell). First off, it pisses me off when someone steals what I have, unless I hate it. Then it's OK. Hey, it's my hell, I can make my own rules. I don't like to steal from the others because it's not nice. See? Bound by my own conventions, but it's still hell. I'm expected to make nicey-nice when what I really want to do is single-handedly wipe out the fruitcake plate, which of course I eventually do because apparently I'm the only one there who likes fruitcake. While this should make me happy the guilt that follows plummets me into another kind of guilt-ridden hell.

I seriously wait until the first person leaves and I'm hot on their heels. Hell. Normal people just cannot possibly love these types of things.

So at the personal hell party I was discussing the logistics of getting my Christmas tree into my living room this year with another resident of this personal hell. As I am without big strong man I now have to depend on someone coming over to help me not only lug the 9' tree in there but also help me put it up and somehow get the topper on. Julie has offered to come help because she's way too good to me. However, I'm thinking the only way Julie and I are getting that topper on is if she stands on my shoulders. I draw the line at shoulder stands. I gave up shoulder stands when I graduated high school. That is unless you're talking about the sexy shirtless guy who plays Jacob in the "New Moon" movie. I might would relent for him.

At any rate, I lamented to her (another resident of hell) that I couldn't see going through all that trouble just to put up a tree that won't have a single present under it. Her comment? That I should wrap empty boxes so it would LOOK like there's presents.

Uh... hello? Who does that? I'm going to be the bigger woman and say that I want real presents under the tree dammit. Yeah, that's right. I'm not wrapping stupid empty boxes to go under the tree. What, is that like some sort of perpetual exercise in disappointment EVERY DAY? I can't imagine walking in there every day to be like, "Oh. They're empty." I mean, seriously, she even suggested I could write an "E" on the bottom of the empties so I'd know which was which. I almost choked on the stupid little cracker covered in some sort of unrecognizable but reasonably tasty dip.

While I'm at it, if I hear another Christmas song on the radio I'm going to claw my own ears off. And the movies? Everyone is all like "Ooooh! I LOVE all of those touching Christmas movies!" Gag me. I have crops to harvest on FarmVille. I don't have TIME for Christmas movies, and even if I did why would I want to sit around and snivel at all the Hallmark moments when I could be attending fun things like ornament swaps and white elephant parties?

Harbinger of Christmas Sneer = Me.

11 comments:

Jean said...

Ohhh Laura, I feel your pain! I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas. I do love the movies (a nice change from the violence and gore and meaningless sex usually on tv), and the pretty lights and music, but I sure hate the commercialism, the obligatory gift exchanges (last year my brother and I each gave the other a gift card for the same store, in the same amount - how dumb is that??), and the socializing with strangers and/or people I don't like.
I think I partially resolved the problem this year - I've moved far enough away so I'm not expected to be at the social functions. And with a couple of exceptions, I'm just NOT doing the gift thing. I've got some dog stuff to do, and some volunteer stuff to do, and on Christmas morning I shall take my four legged family for a lovely walk and then curl up with a book and some favourite treats.

BCxFour said...

I am right there with you... The meaning of the holiday escapes me most of the time because it is drowned in crap. Ornament exchanges are right up there with dodge ball in my opinion. Then there is the fffing music. I turn on my favorite country music station and whammo I am hit with "grandma got run over by a reindeer". Thinking I can get relief by tuning into the country music channel on cable - I am assaulted by "Mary did you know". There is no escaping it. What if you are Jewish (I am) and love country? Think of the dilemma...

Farmville? Wanna be my neighbor?

Laura Carson said...

Girl, I'm always out there pimping for neighbors. lol

Don't misunderstand me y'all, I'm all for being appreciative that Christ was born. That's the good part. I'm appreciative of what others are celebrating this time of year.

I think my bad mood is tied up in the fact that the sixth anniversary of my failed marriage is coming up, plus the second anniversary of his exodus. Both of these things coupled with the sense of impending doom tied up in that which cannot be mentioned at the moment is just... making me a bit of a grump. This is all about deflection.

So yeah, give us back our country music (Carolynn, I'm right there with you!).

PS - Jean... I'll trade you the Hallmark movies for some meaningless sex. lol I'd do gift thing but it's just not feasible... which upsets me because I like to give.

Julie Poudrier said...

Did someone mention meaningless sux? Woohoo! As for Christmas, being single for a long time now, I pretty much don't bother with the tree, gifts, etc. I pause to reflect what giving gifts and Peace on Earth are supposed to mean (and how I can try to live that spirit daily) and then I go about my day with my four-legged companions, who don't care about trees or presents or any of that stuff. Okay, Twist does like to open presents and is quite good at it, but she doesn't know the difference anyway. For me, the best part of the season is spending quality time with good friends and family and NOT being forced to endure social activities with people I wouldn't generally spend time with anyway. Whew. Quite a mouthful....

Julie Poudrier said...

Woops! Do you supposed that typo (sux vs. sex) was a Freudian slip of the typing fingers? lol!

Robin French said...

LOL at Julie!

I actually kinda like Christmas, or at least the parts i want to mess with. Ornament exchange? Hell no! Getting together with the gang and working dogs and eating cookies over Christmas weekend? You betcha!

Laura Carson said...

Julie, bwahahahaha.

Robin, see, now friends and working dogs and eating cookies makes for VERY good times. I came within about one inch of calling in drunk and staying with you for the weekend instead. Unfortunately she hounds us ALL year long so we can't forget this thing.

Robin French said...

If you drank enough you could forget it! LOL!

Paula said...

Dear Grinch,

I love you.

Paula said...

PS. Oh, I am actually totally with you on all counts. 'Cept the Christmas songs. I dig those. 'Cept for the sappy one about the dying lady and her shoes. Hate that one.

Laura Carson said...

I like the Christmas songs too... for the first week. I do agree on the shoes one. Ugh. Thank you for the loves. Makes me feel all warm and happy. :)